More of YOU!

“Midlife is not about changing yourself to fit in, but rather, about sharing more of who you are with the world.” – Petra Kolber

I have found it to be a rough transition, from fitting in, saying yes, molding myself to what others think I “should” be to being authentically ME. Embodying authenticity has been my hardest work. I grew up in alcoholism. So, along with the pressures of fitting in as a teenager and young adult came the impact of alcoholism on my personality. The short version: Alcoholism magnifies all the feelings of needing to fit in, of wanting to conform, of people pleasing.

How did I break out of it?

First, Acceptance. The hardest of all the “rules” of adulthood. Acceptance of reality. Acceptance of what I can and can’t control. Acceptance of myself first, flaws and all. Then, acceptance of others. The things that other people think or say about me are none of my business AND have nothing to do with me. Read that again.

I’m a knitter. I knit. A LOT.  I own more yarn right now than I will ever use in my own lifetime.  Because I have traditionally used shopping to deal with stress and anxiety, I own too much yarn, too many shoes and 14 pairs of black leggings. I’m quirky. I love me some Broadway and just put Iron Maiden into my gym playlist. I teach neuroanatomy for a living AND just finished reading 4^th wing. I’m a big dog mom but UGH, NO CATS. The list could go on, but you see what I’m getting at. There was a time in my life that I might have hidden my huge stash of yarn or my eclectic music collection. No more hiding. I get to be unapologetically me.

And I’m 57 and single. Many of my friends are celebrating 25 or 30 years of marriage. I have re-framed my “failed” marriage into a marriage that worked for a bit, produced two amazing kids, and then ran its course. Period. I did not fail. I am not “a failure.” I am divorced. Welcome to the club. I was coaching a client the other day about being “non-traditional.” I realized that being non-traditional is one of the “quirks” that, until now, was holding me back.  

Next, I allow myself to be a work in progress. Never ever will I hold myself to the standard that I have to “get it right” or “be perfect” every time (or any time 😊). Let done be the enemy of perfect. Or as I like to tell my students, a B is still a passing grade (which often results in panic attacks).

A tree fell on my house last week. I had many calls to make: tree guy, roofer, gutters, insurance. Here is what I did NOT DO. I did NOT make 20 calls for each category to get the “best” price. Are the prices really all that different? What about my time? What is that worth? In the end I chose people I trusted. That is what makes ME happy. Knowing the person doing the work is honest and cares. Analysis paralysis (making 20 calls before deciding) is a sneaky form of perfectionism. Read THAT again.

Finally, I celebrate the small stuff. Tree removed from roof. Check. Called doctor due to the being covered in poison Sumac after  yard work. Check. I showered today, “You go girl.” I flossed AND flushed – bonus points! (I mean, I always flush, but flossing?)  Lip gloss? Extra points.  Celebrating the small stuff is genuinely one of the hardest things for me. I was raised by a person who would say, “I bet 100 other people could do that too.”  It did not matter what “that” was. So celebrating was considered “bragging” and “good girls” don’t brag. It’s been a long road for me.

Was it easy? NO. Was is fast? NO.  Is it done? NEVER (refer to my previous newsletter about being  Done 😊).

So, how can YOU share more of who you are with the world?

1. Exercise acceptance. I can only control my thoughts and how I respond to them. Turn the rest over to the universe. Accept myself for who I am AND have the grace to accept everyone else. (HINT:  The closer someone is to your heart, the harder it can be to accept 😊)

2. Be a work in progress. The Buddhists say, “Perfection is Death.”  In the 12-step rooms we say “Progress over Perfection.”  A coach of mine CONSTANTLY prods me to take action. Here is what I have learned. The “imperfect” action is better than the “perfect” idea that sits in your head.

3. Celebrate. This one is SO HARD for me! Perfectionism means only celebrating when it’s perfect which essentially means NEVER CELEBRATING. So, I’m celebrating. Newsletter written, check.  Contractor called. Check. Doctor called. Check. Teeth are brushed. Check. Um…need a shower right now. Progress not perfection.

Seem impossible? Acceptance? Progress over perfection? CELEBRATE? Book a call with me and let’s talk. I’ve been there.

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