I asked myself this question recently. I had plans with someone that got changed and re-arranged and ended up at both a different time and place from what we originally agreed upon. I said, “No problem, I’m flexible.”
I do yoga, so, yes I am in fact, very flexible.
The person responded “Wow, you are very understanding.”
Am I? Understanding? Was I being “too flexible?” Did I need a better boundary?
No one can answer that FOR ME but ME…that’s the rub here.
I get to be as flexible (or inflexible) as I deem FOR ME.
AND, I get to change my mind too.
Put up with lateness or rudeness or whatever for one week, or one month or one year…decide, “No, I don’t like this anymore.” Good for you: Set a boundary.
Put up with alcoholism or drug addiction or cheating or lying for (insert time span here), decide, “NO. No more.” Set a boundary.
There are no timelines or musts. What is the right amount of time to give someone? ONLY YOU can answer that.
The hard work comes not with DECIDING to set a boundary but in setting and HOLDING the boundary. Personally, I think holding is the hardest part.
Setting a healthy, clear boundary, with love, from a place of calm is a form of self-care. This self-care that has NOTHING to do with the other person. Boundaries teach other people how to treat me. A boundary is not a threat or punishment, or a limit set for the OTHER person. A boundary is a limit I set for myself. How much of THAT behavior will I tolerate?
Healthy boundaries require good communication….no one can read my mind. That was also a favorite trick of mine. “He should be able to FIGURE IT OUT.” No one can figure it out. What’s in your head, well, let’s just say it’s in YOUR HEAD. Not voicing a boundary gives you the excuse to be angry later. Read that again.
When you keep your boundary in YOUR HEAD you are stockpiling excuses for later. Not nice.
What if the person is (FILL in THE BLANK HERE)? Angry, upset, insulted, frustrated.
I thought it was normal for someone to be angry with me after I set a boundary. The only person angry with a boundary I’ve set is the person that thinks they have a right to step over it. Other people’s feelings are none of my business. But if someone is hurt or frustrated, it’s a great beginning to a CALM conversation.
I like to think of a boundary as a riverbank. Nice high, well controlled riverbank? Water can collect, MOVE FORWARD, be harnessed for electricity or watering plants. Healthy boundaries both move a relationship forward and help me tend to it. What about a river with low banks (or none)? Water flows EVERYWHERE and ANYWHERE.
So, next time you are feeling like your flexibility has been STRETCHED to its limit…ask yourself, “How do I feel about THIS?” Then drop in, get quiet, let your brain rest and let your body inform you. If the feeling is angry or frustrated or something negative, it’s time for a self-care boundary.
Book a call if you need help with this. I am NOT an expert…but a work in progress on boundary setting. But we can navigate it together.
You can’t set boundaries and take care of someone else’s feelings at the same time.
– (Seriously have no idea who said this, but, it’s genius.)